


Shades Of Gold

by betweentwothorns



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-23 03:38:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8312521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betweentwothorns/pseuds/betweentwothorns
Summary: In which Harry has a secret that he's kept from Zayn for years, up until he's best man at his wedding, anyway.





	

**Author's Note:**

> for a certain astrology-loving zarrie that I love :)

_ It wasn't supposed to happen this way. _

Paris was beautiful at this time of year. The sky was bright with possibility and the city twinkled with lights, people, fashion and history.

The only thing more beautiful than Paris was perhaps the boy that sulked around in it for the day in the 27th floor of his hotel.

Harry examined himself in the full-length mirror of his suite. He was the embodiment of perfection and he knew it. Hair curled around his ears crowning his face, posture confident and laid back, and a crisp $2000 Armani suit that fit him so well that it wouldn't be surprising if he was born solely for the purpose of wearing it. Harry Styles would own the room when he walked in and he was sure of it.

There was just one thing. One small thing that set off the entire look. A scowl was etched in his face that would have made him look hotter than usual, if it weren't for the terribly sad look in his eyes. It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

A knock on the door ensued.

"Come in," Harry responded, uninterested.

From his mirror, Harry noticed the silhouette of a familiar boy with perfectly tousled jet-black hair, pink lips set into a slight smile, and a dark suit that both contrasted his skin color and complimented his hair color so well that he may have even been wearing his suit better than Harry. Harry's breath hitched.

Zayn Malik. Harry's best mate in the world, Zayn. Harry immediately plastered on his best fake smile for his friend. Just this once.

Harry turned toward him and tried his best to prevent himself from passing out from the sight in front of him. "Malik! Look at you, man. Wow." 

Zayn smiled, slightly flustered. "I could say the same thing for you, Harold boy, you look brilliant." Harry couldn't pretend not to notice the way his friend's eyes widened at the sight of him, taking in his appearance. Harry hoped Zayn couldn't see him doing the same thing.

_ Shut up, Harry. Shut up.  _

Zayn entered the room leisurely and stopped next to him, both of them staring at their reflections in the mirror. Boys turned men, for this night at least.

Harry couldn't stand it. He wrapped his arms around him. "My little man, all grown up! God, I could just cry. They grow up so fast!" 

"Harry, I'm literally older than you. Calm yourself, please." Zayn chuckled and nuzzled his face into Harry's shoulder before pulling back quickly. He ran his hands down Harry's arms before he let go and readjusted his suit, even though it was still flawless. "But yea, so fast, you know? Feels like just yesterday you and I were touring the world together."

The sadness washed over Harry like a crashing wave again, and his eyes stung, threatening to tear up. 

_ Shut UP, Harry. _

"You're getting married today," Harry sighed. 

"I'm getting married today," Zayn replied, cautious.

"To Marissa."

"To Marissa."

"And she makes you happy."

"And she makes me happy."

"I'm glad that you're happy." Harry's voice faltered.

"I'm glad that you're happy too- wait, are you?" Zayn's eyebrows furrowed. "Harry, what's wrong?"

Harry slipped up. He slipped up bad. Somehow the crashing waves broke through him and he was in danger of drowning.

_ Shut up Harry! He's your best friend. You can't. You can't. You can't. _

"Nothing, just a little nostalgic. I'm fine." The fake-okay Harry was back. "Don't worry, man."

"Harry."

"Zayn."

Zayn locked eyes with him. "I know you, okay? I know something's up. So tell me before I force it out of you."

Harry sighed. "Leave it, Zayn. I mean it."

_ "Styles." _

Harry turned away. He could feel Zayn's gaze on him, analyzing his every movement. For some reason, Zayn's concern provoked him. "Goddammit, Zayn. I can't believe you! It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I should be the one getting married today. _Not you!_ "

"What?" Zayn was taken aback. "Look, Harry, I know things between you and Niall aren't all that great right now, but you'll find your soulmate, I promise. Like I found Marissa. I'll even help you, we can-"

"You asshole," Harry cut him off and turned to him, sadness turned to anger. "Marissa makes me happy too, you know! I fell in love with her first. If it weren't for me then you guys would have never met in the first place." 

"Excuse me, what?!" Zayn's confused expression turned into an angry one.

Harry couldn't keep it in him anymore. He was the one being truthful and Zayn was the one getting mad? 

"Does the bro code not mean anything to you? Never date the ex of a bro? You saw how much I loved her, love her. You saw me hurting after we broke up. And instead of being there for me, you turn your back on me, act like the good guy and sweep her off her feet instead!"

"Are you saying that I'm not a bro to you? Is that what this is about?"

"No! I'm saying that you _are_ a bro to me and you betrayed me. And now you two are getting married!"

"Yes, we're getting married! And you're the best man at this goddamn wedding! Harry, I would have never done this if I knew it would hurt you so much." Zayn stormed around the room exasperatedly. "But you just- you seemed so fine with it, you were so happy for me! Was it my fault for taking the one time you supported my happiness as a sign I should do this?"

"The one time? The one time?" Harry exclaimed. "When have I ever not wanted you to be happy?"

"You tell me, Styles."

Harry wore an incredulous expression.

Zayn exhaled deeply. "It's always Harry this, Harry that with you. Zayn doesn't exist. Harry wants to move to Los Angeles, Zayn leaves everything he has in London for him. Harry wants to make a movie, Zayn promises to keep his music on the low for his publicity. Harry wants the whole world in his fingertips, Zayn has to watch from the sidelines and be careful not to overcrowd him."

"I gave you a choice! You don't have to do anything for me, Zayn, but you do anyway for reasons I can't understand!" Harry tugged at his hair. It was as if he didn't have control over his own words anymore. Harry didn't know what made him do it, but he prodded at the thoughts he had been having every since he met Zayn. Harry loved Marissa, right? So why was the sole thought of Zayn getting married to _anyone_ so irrefutably angering to him? Harry couldn't stand it anymore. "It's like _you're the one in love with me!"_

This obviously caught Zayn off guard as he stumbled a bit. As he regained composure, he glared daggers at Harry. 

_ Oh no, oh no. I went too far, I fucked up. God, Harry, just shut up for once! _

Zayn grabbed the collar of Harry's shirt. Harry winced.

In a dangerously low voice, he said, "I did those things for you because I care about you. You're my best friend! Life without you wouldn't be worth living." He sighed and loosened his grip. "You're so confident, and so forward, and I look up to you for that. But sometimes you're just so... You don't realize that while you're busy with yourself and your own life, you don't leave room for others. It's like you don't care about me, Harry."

The freshly opened wound from Zayn's words stung Harry, mainly because he realized how true they were. Ashamed, he looked away. Harry never meant to hurt him. God, no. Hurting Zayn would be like hurting himself. But Zayn wouldn't stand down, and he didn't let Harry's gaze leave his. There was a dangerous look in these chocolate brown eyes that reflected off of Harry's emerald green ones.

"Maybe that's why Marissa left you."

Harry's head snapped back to Zayn. That was the last straw. His pulse intensified and blood started rushing to his ears. This was not good. So not good. 

It was as if time stopped at that moment and all Harry could see was Zayn, horrible, beautiful, otherworldly Zayn, staring back at him, challenging him. Harry reached out and roughly shoved the other boy backwards against the mirror. Harry could see his reflection, raw and angry. It didn't look anything like he normally did, which slightly scared him.

Zayn winced at this contact, obviously not expecting this. But the fire never left his eyes.

Even though Harry was at least 3 inches taller than Zayn, he pulled him close so their noses were inches apart. Zayn balled his hands into fists at his sides. It took all of Harry's self control to not pull Zayn even closer.

Harry shook his head. What kind of thoughts was he even having?

"I can't believe you just said that." Harry said, hurt and confusion laced through his tone.

"You know what I can't believe?" Zayn shoved Harry's arm away from his chest. "I can't believe that we're having this conversation. Right now. Four hours before I'm supposed to get married. I just can't believe we're having this conversation, period."

Harry crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, I don't know, I just thought you should know that I still have feelings for your to-be wife."

"You couldn't have told me about this before? Like, before we even got engaged?"

"Now what kind of best friend and future best man would that make me?"

"A terrible one, Harry! Even now!" Zayn rubbed his eyes. "I don't exactly know what you want me to do with this information now that I have it. Now that I finally have it."

"It wasn't... It wasn't supposed to happen this way," Harry said, defeated. 

"You keep saying that, Harry, but I don't know what you mean!"

"It means that you were supposed to get married and live a happy life and I was supposed to get married and live a happy life, then we'd both be happy and married and everything would be fine! We weren't supposed to argue like this, not on what's supposed to be the best day of your life. None of this messed up shit should have happened at all!"

Zayn sighed and placed his hand on Harry's shoulder. Harry's heartbeat accelerated from the contact. "Sometimes... Sometimes things happen. Life isn't always perfect and happy. I know you'll always be an optimist and my pessimism kills you but, this! This what life is, man." He paused, mulling over his next words. "I guess life is... A series of screw ups. That we have to go along fixing."

Harry had been so used to deflecting Zayn's dark commentary that he almost slapped on a smile and chanted one of his dumb, overused euphemisms, like "Life is beautiful and everything happens for a reason, Zayn!" or "Chin up babe, it'll get better from here!" or even his personal favorite, "You can't have a rainbow without a little rain, Zaynie!" Zayn always grimaced, but it was sure to at least earn Harry a slight smile from his friend because of Harry's frivolous view of the world.

Harry was too tired to interject, though. It felt as if their 20 minute long conversation had actually stretched into hours, days. Like he hadn't slept for a week. Now that he was thinking about it, sleep sounded like a great idea.

"No- Harry, no, you child, I know your nap face! This is not the time for a nap!" Zayn shook Harry by the shoulders. "You are going to stay awake and finish this conversation with me. Agreed?"

"But I'm so tired," Harry whined.

"Harry."

"But-"

_ "Harry." _

Harry grumbled. "Fine. Agreed. But quickly. I'm getting bored of this conversation."

Zayn rolled his eyes. "I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what you're feeling. Exactly. No lies, no games. I know you don't want to hurt me but I need to know what you're thinking."

Zayn placed his hands on Harry's forearms and forced him to make eye contact with him. Those brown eyes had replaced their angry fire with a soft, questioning look. Harry pretended to act annoyed, but but he could feel the butterflies in his stomach. How easy it was for Zayn to just touch him and make him feel alive again. How easy it was for Zayn to just talk to him and make him feel at peace inside, even though Harry's life was a whirlwind of thoughts and happenings, all struggling to express themselves in someway or another. How easy it was for Harry to truly, easily just exist around Zayn.

_I'm just... I'm not ready to let you go. Don't let me go, Zayn,_ Harry thought to himself, feeling defeated.

"Wait, what? Harry... What?" Zayn looked positively concerned, and... Was that a look of endearment laced in there?

"Shit. Oh SHIT, did I just say that out loud?"

Zayn tightened his grip. "What do you mean, you're not ready to let me go? We're still best friends, we'll always be. Right?" 

"Yeah, of course, it's just..." Harry hesitated. "Yeah."

"It's just what? For once in your life, Harry Edward Styles, please give me a straight answer."

Harry almost chuckled at the irony in his statement. His answer was not going to be straight, if you know what I mean.

He braced himself. Could he really do this? Could he really admit to his feelings that he had buried deep within him all these years?

"It's just that I don't know what you mean to me, but it sure as hell isn't just a friend." Harry sighed. "I can't think when you're around, and you're all I think about when you aren't. I try so hard not to loose you but I guess in the process I make you feel like you're drowning around me instead. I... I'm in love with you. I'm hopelessly in love with you and I can't spend another second denying it." 

Zayn looked like he had just seen a ghost. He opened his mouth as to say something, but Harry wouldn't let him. "No, shush. I'm sorry, Zayn. I really am. But I'm just so goddamn afraid of loosing you because I already lost Marissa all those years ago. And then, the fact that I lost both of you and you found each other hurts me. It's hurt me since the night it happened and it hurts me now too."

Harry bit on his lip to stop the tears threatening to spill out. He took a deep breath, then continued.

"And I hate feeling like this because you're beautiful, and she's beautiful, and you're getting married today. God, Zayn, do you know how bad of a person this makes me?"

In the process of his speech Zayn had been taking small steps towards Harry, prepared to hold him up if he ever broke. Because that's what Zayn was to Harry, he was the rain that washed away his tears, the stars that held his gaze when he needed it most, and the man that put him back together, over and over again. He was home. Personified.

They were dangerously close at this point. Zayn's eyes never left Harry's, and they now held a look that Harry couldn't quite figure out anymore. 

And then Zayn kissed him.

It was short, but it was powerful. Harry was backed up against the wall in an instant and he could almost taste the mint on Zayn's breath. He shivered. Zayn pulled back first, and looked at him with admiration, a deep loving look that both made Harry feel like he was completely drenched, and warm and fluffy at the same time.

"You haven't lost me. Harry, and you never will. I promise." After a small pause, which seemed like an eternity to Harry, Zayn stroked Harry's cheek. "I love you too, you know. Always have, always will."

Harry's mouth twitched. He couldn't even try to hide the brilliant smile that crept onto his lips. Zayn smiled back at him, clearly endeared by the sight of it.

"Zayn," Harry's smile disappeared in an instant. "Zayn. Oh god, Zayn. What are we doing? You're getting married today!"

"Yeah, you've reminded me like 20 times already."

"Zayn." Harry pressed. "Your wedding... It's today."

Zayn paused and considered his words for a moment. 

"Yeah. And so is yours."

Harry threw Zayn's arms off of him.

"Okay, what the fuck? Are you crazy or something? God Zayn, I always knew you would loose it one of these days but never did I-"

"Shut up, loser." Zayn paused a moment before getting on one knee. Harry's eyes widened. Zayn had gone mentally insane, Harry was sure of it.

"Harry Styles," Zayn pulled his own ring off his finger and held it up.

"Oh my god, please get up! Zayn, what the fuck?"

"Harry Styles," he tried again. "You make me the happiest man in the world. And I want you by my side for the rest of my life."

Harry stopped breathing for a second. "Zayn, please, think about this. What about Marissa? I love her and I know you do too. What are we doing?"

"Marissa gets both of us or neither of us," Zayn stated, like it was as simple as it seemed. "I'm serious. Harry, I love you, and you love me too. And I love Marissa, and she loves me too. You love Marissa, and I know for a fact she loves you too. Her profile picture on her astrology account is of you. She also once bought a phone case with your face on it." 

Harry raised his eyebrow. "Really?"

"We're all hopelessly in love with each other. And I think we all deserve to be happy. Don't you?" 

Harry nodded slightly.

"Good. So Harry, would you please make Marissa and I the happiest people on earth and marry us?" Zayn looked up at him, tender and raw. Harry nearly passed out.

Harry started to tear up again. Because there was no way he could ever reject the beautiful mess of a boy in front of him. "Of course, Zayn. Yes!"

In the end, that's all that Zayn needed. He slipped the ring onto Harry's finger, and Harry marveled it a while before taking it off and sliding it onto Zayn's finger after he got up. They were both teary-eyed messes by the time they showed up at Marissa's room and the three embraced at the news.

And that evening, they all got married to each other, stars in their eyes and warmth in their hearts. Because no matter how much Harry tried to deny it before, these two people were as much a part of him as he was a part of them. Soft shades of golden laced through his heart, he finally felt like a whole. And maybe that's more important than loosing someone, letting them put you back together again with promises of a forever. Promises they could keep, and that he could keep as well. Because as long as he had Marissa and Zayn by his side, he knew he could stop fighting against the world and embrace it instead. He was invincible.

 

_ And this, was exactly how it was supposed to happen. _


End file.
